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draped girl and bird

Feeling better despite the heat

The heat was so bad today..... over 42 degrees Celsius.... over 100 degrees Fahrenheit.... and that is definitely not good for anyone who has MS. I just couldn't sit here and type today and I had huge plans to write and share. I was still very upset over the way that Minister was treated, I couldn't sleep so at 3am I wrote to the newspaper. I am not at all confident that it will be printed and I don't care, it helped me feel better and I did get a few hours sleep. I said my piece and my mind could finally relax.
I understand that many people are of the opinion that I should just accept what happened to me (the bullying and harassment)..... but how can I do that without anyone to at least hear me out? Acceptance of a situation such as this is a process, it takes time and it can be made easier when you are allowed to have help to deal with it. I worked 30 years as a Registered Nurse, I made my fair share of mistakes..... but I worked very hard for the elderly people I cared for. The treatment I got was uncalled for and unfair. A lot of people are bullied and they face an uphill battle to get help and I think it's wrong.
That Minister was the only person who bothered to listen and that was such a huge gift to me. He was honest with me, saying he may not be able to help me at all..... and you know that was fine by me! I am sad for him now.... but there is little I can do!
Please do not think that I am wallowing in complete self pity over this..... it's just a cruel way to end your career.
I am making the best of it now, I have no other choice..... it just angers me that society buries it's head in the sand over this issue.
I went to another blog site and joined it yesterday, but after checking it all out, I decided that it was not even a quarter as good as Live Journal. So I cancelled that account....... I'll never go back to My Space!
In myself.... I am feeling a lot happier with life...... just wish it wasn't so hot!

Comments

bullying hurts forever

It is a cruel way to end your career. I'm sad that happened to you. I hope you are finding some purpose in your life now-and enjoying quiet time and space?

I was an RN, too, and am retired due to disability. I was bullied as a child. I was not wanted.

It probably happened even earlier that I cannot yet remember but the first time, I was 3. He was about 10. He took 3 things I'd been given for my birthday (gifts were very rare for me), mocked me, did "keepaway", mocked me more, then hid them on top of a bookcase. I was crying and his mother and grandmother wanted to know why when they came back in the room. He lied about it and smirked at me.

I was 3 and hysterical because I had absolutely no coping skills for this unprecedented behavior, but I did have a sense of justice and it had been violated. When I finally got the words out and told them he'd taken my things-and tried to show them where he put them, they didn't believe me, and didn't even look. I've never forgotten. I cried all the way home. There was a yellow couch in the room, and forever after, whenever a man mocked me in a room with a yellow couch, bad things happened. I remembered why about 5 years ago, after I physically lashed out at someone for mocking me.

I was abused at a babysitter's for several years, disbelieved whenever I told my mother, and then bullied in grade school and a bit in middle school. 7 years, I counted. In all that time, only one person ever said "stop" to the people who hit me, kicked me, pushed me, followed me, called me names, pulled my hair, threw rocks, etc.. 7 years, almost every day of school. They'd hit me or slap me to make me cry because they thought it would be fun, or funny. I don't think it ever was, and I'm sure that ever kid who bullied me was mistreated, too, but I never have understood why I didn't turn into one of them.

I remember all of them, their faces, their cruelty, their names. I also remember everyone who stood by and said nothing, children and adults, and my mother who blamed me, as if that were something I'd asked for.. I stopped expecting any help, and became suicidal. I think I was 11 the first time I thought about it.

I was later bullied in adult relationships, and by my family, who have a habit of scapegoating, going back to the 1800s. I don't see my family now, except my mother, who is dying, and I'm only doing that because she's dying and truly cannot hurt me anymore than she already has.

I know that I can't change my family and I no longer try. I just change me. They're on a different karmic and spiritual path and they've made the choice to be cruel. I don't know why. I don't know why I haven't. I can't account for it, I can't change them, but I can't take their cruelty anymore. If being safe it means I never see another person I'm related to in my life, okay. I'll choose safety because it's the only way I'm gonna stay sane.

I have PTSD because of all the bullying and blame and the length of time it went on and the fact that nobody helped me, but instead, blamed me more... I've been in therapy for four years, take medication and I have made a lot of progress, but I still feel very screwed up inside because I don't have the old denial to block out awareness of things-I do have some great new coping skills and all but still, it's very hard carrying the burden of cruelty, knowing what people are capable of and how many of them allow it.

I truly wish there were communities of sanctuary for those of us that have been hurt in these ways, for abuse victims, POWs, and folks with PTSD. I sometimes think combat vets and cops are the only people who really understand me, and they know I understand them. Bikers, combat vets and cops are the only people I feel safe with. They're the only people who I never have to explain myself to. My cats understand.

Being angry over what happened to you is appropriate; it is also healthier for you than being depressed.

Re: I understand / Bullying hurts forever


Thank you so much for getting back to me! I don't want to answer your post at 'Over 40' I promised I wouldn't comment further there and so I am going to answer both posts here.... I hope! What you wrote was quite true and I am so glad that you shared that with me.... I needed to hear it again. I made a huge mistake by sending that post to the two groups that I knew so many of my 'ex-friends' were. It wasn't meant to be dramatic... but it was taken that way. I tried to go quiet for awhile but sadly a lot of those people kept it up or tried to keep it going. Sadly a friend of mine started to get comments from these people.... 'warnings about how bad I was'. To be honest.... I regarded this as far worse than anything else they could do! Such childish behaviour doesn't need rewarding from me. I don't miss those people who un-friended me either... I have found new friends and I have several friends who just continue to stand by me!
I am sorry that you had such a reaction from a friend.... just because you didn't answer her post in the time frame she wanted. Sometimes I wonder why these people react this way. I have some people on my friends' list that have never commented.... but as I don't know what is happening in their life..... who am I to judge? A few of my ex-friends commented that I wasn't responding to their journal enough. Well in that period that they complained about.... I had a very bad cold which had lead to asthma and I had been really sick for nearly a month. When you have MS.... even a mild cold can be serious. Even so I just explained this fact..... I am not in the habit of constantly moaning about the MS..... but I was treated as though I was totally defined by MS! Gosh.... MS has taken away a lot of my independence... but I still have a life.
To be honest.... after a few days and so many people unfriending me.... I thought perhaps you didn't wish to add me.... so I took you off my list. I have added you back now.... and I am so glad that you returned. I am sorry that you have been depressed.
Thank you for sharing over the bullying you went through.... how well I can empathize. My childhood was not a good one either, I was bullied throughout my school life and at work. My father was an alcoholic, abusive and cruel and my mother was emotionally detached. Growing up was a pure nightmare. I also suffer P.T.S.D and a few other emotional problems due to the bullying and sexual abuse (my father). If it wasn't for my MS I'd still be seeing a psychiatrist, but as I can no longer drive.... I am stuck.
At the time I was bullied out of my last 2 jobs I was just starting to develop symptoms of MS. I hadn't the strength to fight. I had fought it off most of my life.... but I could do this no longer. Sadly not one person wanted to hear my story.... and it just keeps happening over and over again.
I am leading a much happier life now, even with MS.... I have a wonderful recreational group I attend every Wednesday.... and some good friends here.
Feel free to chat to me at any time. I feel we have a lot in common. I really appreciated your comments.... and I send you hugs if you feel safe.